Starting out: SL Domination

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Inara Pey

In this blog, I’ve covered a range of topics related to Dominants and domination; I’ve looked at the nature of Domination, the preferred characteristics that should ideally be present in a “good” Dominant, the Dominant typography common to SL, and the more common roles Dominants in SL can (and do) adopt.

But how does one who has little practical experience in the world of D/s, but would like to adopt the mantle of a Dominant, go about things?

All too often, people entering the D/s environment within SL do so in the mistaken belief that being Dominant is not something you learn, it is simply something you “are”. This can lead to some very odd extremes of behaviour that can encompass, but are not limited to – rudeness, swagger, foolish chatter and/or demands, and sometimes a pompous belief in their own infallibility.

But the truth is, no-one is truly born Dominant. Like any other skill, Domination is something that can, and is, learnt; it is refined and honed over time as an ongoing process that encompasses both experience and learning in a mutual loop of self-development. “Good” Dominants will admit that they are constantly learning, no matter how experienced they may appear to be.

This being the case, if you are coming into SL D/s for the very first time, there is no need to feel you have to reach for a mask or adopt a certain style of behaviour in order to establish your “credentials”.

It’s not in a title

Thus we come to “Pey’s First Rule of Domination”: Your status as a Dominant is not determined by the tag you hang above your name. It is defined by how you act and interact.

Taking time out to watch how others interact is one of the best activities the “newbie Dom(me)” can engage in, watching how other Dominants interact with those around them. Observation can also give valuable insight into the types of behaviour that don’t go down so well with those who are established in SL D/s.

And observe means just that. There is an etiquette to D/s and BDSM that extends into SL. Finding others engaged in open play at a public sim is, not, I’m afraid, an invitation for anyone to join in. Nor are all subs obliged to kneel before every Master or Mistress they happen to come across.

Which is not to say that some engaged in public scenes wouldn’t welcome an additional pair of hands (or feet, or a forked tongue or furry tail or whatever tickles their fancy…); some people do get turned on by-play with strangers. Some Dom(mes) like to see their subs played with and excited at the hands of others.

So how do you tell the difference?

Well, a big clue is in the invitation; if you’re invited to participate, you can take it that your involvement will be appreciated. BUT….don’t leap in with both feet. How has the play proceeded so far? What limits have been expressed? What limits have been implied? Has the Dom(me) or (just as importantly) the sub expressed any preferences for the play or indicated part of the play has moved towards a limit that shouldn’t be crossed? How have others behaved around the sub? Have they used harsher language, have they used corporal punishment, or have they been more tender? Take your lead from what you have seen going on before you, use IM to establish anything you are unsure of, and moderate your play accordingly. Again, “domination” does not necessarily involve leaping forward, whip in hand and flailing the living daylights out of someone – and if that hasn’t happened in the scene so far and no indication has been given that the sub would enjoy it, it’s a fair bet that it would probably not be welcomed.

Equally importantly, remember that just because you’re invited to engage in the play doesn’t mean you must. If you feel uncomfortable or awkward, you can actually politely refuse; no-one will think any less of you for doing so. D/s is as much about respecting limits and preferences as it is about anything else – and no-one will think any the less of you for expressing a preference not to directly engage in the play at hand.

“Talk to me”

Which brings me to “Pey’s Second Rule of Domination”: always communicate. Never, ever, be afraid to seek advice, to ask questions. Sure, some of them may mark you out as a “newbie” – but there is absolutely no shame in that; and I’ve yet to find a good Dominant who will tear your lungs out for politely seeking advice from them. Well, providing you are diplomatic; asking, “Why did you do this? Why did you say that? How do you find out if your sub…” during a scene may well not go down to well! Pick your time wisely, and people will generally be willing to help.

And communication goes much further than one-to-one conversations. While it is true that many “wannabe” (in the most negative sense) Dominants are loud, bombastic, opinionated and all around pains in the posterior. However, This doesn’t mean you need to be the mouse in the corner.

People tend to be attracted to others who show genuine warmth and wit, and who demonstrate demonstrate intelligence, a willingness to show empathy, and so on. These traits apply to Dominants as well; so what if you lack “hard” experience? Simply being yourself, talking with people getting to know the “regulars” at your preferred playground, group or club and allowing your sensibilities and sense of humour to naturally shine, will go a long way towards generating open and warm responses to you and help people build a fair and reasonable assessment of you.

And in that regard – don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself. Among other things, BDSM in SL involves a bewildering array of toys and devices, and no two product lines are alike; there are no given standards for how menus should work. So it is very easy to get things wrong, or look (in your own eyes) a complete twit or feel yourself panicking as you fumble. This is all perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of. The important thing is not to let it get to you. Take a calming breath, make a joke at your own expense. Not only will it help prevent tension developing, it’ll demonstrate that you are able to keep your ego under control – which is no bad thing for a Dominant.

It’s a learning process

Which brings us to “Pey’s Rule Three”: Give yourself time to learn and grow. Don’t expect – or try – to become an Instant Expert. D/s has a culture and language of its own which can be daunting to learn. As well as asking those around you, there are a lot of good resources out on the web you can use. Use them. Confused when someone talks about “SSC” or “RACK” – sneak a peek via your web browser. You don’t have to demonstrate any newly acquired knowledge, but simply taking the time to look such things up can only broaden your understanding. I’ve tried to provide insight into the Dominant lifestyle through these pages; hopefully they may help the aspiring Dominant – and there are other resources out there. Leather and Roses is one; Google will turn up others.

Giving yourself time to explore, learn, ask, etc., will help you better understand the direction you’ll like to grow your D/s experience in SL and - allow you to find your own style: how you like to behave, your manner to chat, the confidence you exude, your manner of dress. All these are quintessential markers of the who you are and how you wish to be regarded – and if you let them grow naturally as you gain experience, you’ll fnd they both fit and serve you a lot better than simply grabbing the nearest “Dominant’s outfit” and strutting your stuff while wearing it.

Always remember…reputations spread easily in any environment….and that is so true of SL. And just like any other club, group, clique, gathering, or interest, it is a lot harder to get rid of a “bad” reputation than it is to establish a “good” reputation.

If you’re of a mind, seek out one of the D/s groups I’ve listed below. You’ll find people – Dominants and submissives like – willing to encourage, support and help; they also provide friendly environments in which you can discover more about D/s – and may offer talks and a similar on a range of D/s topics.

Peer pressure

And all that said….don’t be tempted to give in to peer pressure. We all approach D/s differently. We all have our own hopes, wants, and desires, so that what is right for one Dom(me) may not necessarily be right for you. So what if Mistress X has collared 8 subs, and all are happily devoted to her? It doesn’t mean you have to leap out and collar half-a-dozen subs of your own to be regarded as a “Dominant”. You may just as easily find that progressing to the point where you give your collar to just one sub is all the fulfilment the two of you require. Equally, you may find the whole collaring / relationship “thing” way over-rated, and that becoming a “staff” Dom(me) at a reputable club or playground is more to your liking, or that simple casual play is more suited to the time you have for SL.

D/s Groups and locations

This list is not exhaustive, but highlights a number of in-world Groups that may assist the budding Dominant (and submissive!):

BDSM Forum – Forum island: a newcomer-friendly BDSM group on a private sim; Group membership is by invitation. Talks and tours available. Voice can be used
Estate Obscure – Estate Obscure: a women-only D/s group and private sim for Dommes, submissives and Switches. Run with care, knowledge and understanding
D/s Council of Second Life: dedicated to promoting, protecting, & understanding, D/s lifestyle in all its forms. Members of this group are expected to care for one another, practice responsible D/s, and to respect all forms of D/s in the secondlife community. Membership is restricted and must be approved by an officer (see the Group listing in-world).

Dominant typology

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Inara Pey

There are several Dominant “types” within Second Life. By “type”, I’m not referring to roles that a Dominant may adopt – such as the Disciplinarian or the Controller or the Goddess or whatever; these are discussed in a separate essay that makes up my little quartet on Domination and SL. By “type”, I mean the overall approach a Dominant takes to Second Life: are they here for casual play? Are they seeking relationship-based D/s? Is D/s their primary reason for being involved in Second Life, or is it balanced or offset by other, more vanilla interests? Is the Dominant monogamous or polyamorous?

Why draw any distinction?

Why is it important to draw any distinction as to the “types” of Dominants one may encounter?

Well, because for any D/s relationship to flourish each side needs to be able to recognise with whom they are dealing. If a submissive is looking for someone who will nurture them, helping them to grow in their role, share SL life and times with them – then it is fair to say, engaging with a casual Dominant could well lead to heartache; they’d be much better off with a moderate or lifestyle Dominant – with the caveat that it’ may not be a good idea for a submissive with these needs to seek a deep engagement with a Collector.

Similarly, the submissive seeking to surrender absolutely to a Dominant as far as it is possible within SL, their wish being that they are placed under “total control” at all times, may well find their needs better met by the lifestyle Dominant than perhaps by the moderate Dominant who may spend som of their SL time engaged in activities removed from D/s.

That said, it should be understood that there is no implied hierarchy here: the moderate Dominant is not necessarily more skilled than the casual or less skilled than the lifestyle Dominant. Nor is any given type of Dominant more adept in applying the various Dominant roles. The only real differentiators between them are in terms of their willingness to be involved in longer-term relationships in SL and /or their commitments to D/s and other interests that they have in SL which may impact on their ability, time and willingness to engage “purely” in D/s-related activities.

So one might say the watchword here is to be aware of what is going on around you and the people you’re interacting with – be aware of the types of roles evidenced – but don’t completely typecast people by their initial behaviour. It takes time to understand and appreciate who and what they are.

Dominant roles

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Inara Pey

A role is something every Dominant adopts, whether it be a “primary” role that defines them as a Dominant, or whether it is a “secondary” role that is adopted specifically to fit a situation, scene or mood. There are no hard-and-fast rules as to what role to take, or how to project it; we each tend to come into those roles that we find most suited to our personality and experience; and there is certainly nothing wrong with experimenting with a number of roles to find out which suit you best, or which you find can be best combined in order to achieve a balance that is rewarding to yourself and your submissive(s).

The Disciplinarian

This role focuses on discipline as the means by which power is exercised. Rules are a major factor in the Disciplinarian’s activities, any infringement of which will result in punishment of one sort of another, be it stringent bondage, corporal punishment or a combination of both. Sexual discipline can also be a hallmark of this role, with CBT and / or chastity devices frequently being employed.

At the extreme end of the scale, the Disciplinarian role may well dip into that of sadism – again, a common trait in SL, but one which is less common than one might think in real life D/s. Here the role becomes far more capricious: the submissive is subjected to heavy bondage, restriction, isolation and undergoes heavy punishments purely on the Dominant’s whim and with little regard for their own enjoyment. Those with a more domineering attitude and little practical exposure to D/s tend to associate themselves with this role, mistakenly believing it is a sign of “genuine” dominance.

The Controller

The Controller takes control of the submissive’s Second Life, determining absolutely everything that the submissive can and cannot do, say or wear, generally through extensive use of RLV restrictions. The Controller takes enormous pleasure / power from controlling every aspect of a submissive’s life, and tends to be of the opinion that power isn’t power unless it is being demonstrated, be it through their sub being in some form of constant bondage, or made to wear a specific uniform or trapped in Mouselook. While this can initially be exciting for all parties involved, over time the role can become one-dimensional, and the submissive that initially craves this kind of attention / treatment can become frustrated. Similarly, the inexperienced Dominant adopting only this role can initially gain significant pleasure from it, but can find that being responsible for absolutely everything becomes wearing.

The Power Wielder

The Power Wielder is similar to the Controller in that they will make decisions and call the shots, but not so overtly or directly as the Controller. Rather than directing what will happen from the start, the Power Wielder may seem to seek opinions, expressing a desire in terms of a question. “Are you in the mood for some public bondage?” might sound like a choice on engaging in a public scene of or is on offer, but a “no thank you,” won’t be considered an acceptable response; rather, the Power Wielder is seeking the submissive’s input on where they might carry out the scene.

The Power Wielder does not necessarily require that their control over the submissive to be always on display through the use of leashes or bondage, etc. The submissive is expected to demonstrate a degree of intuitiveness – knowing what to wear, how to behave, etc., without being commanded. They may even enjoy some latitude in what they can do when the Dominant is not available.

The Omniscient One

This role is adopted by Dominants who are serene and naturally confident in both their self-identity and in their abilities as a Dominant. They had little need to make demands, snap orders, hand the submissive a set of rules as long as your arm, wield a whip; their power is subliminal – and infinitely attractive. Submissives are naturally attracted to Dominants fully involved in this role and frequently find themselves “obeying” the Dominant even though no orders or requests have been made – merely suggestions. They do so, because making a positive impression on such Dominants is somehow important.

As a more passive role than those described above, the Omniscient One is generally deeply intuitive, and can frequently read between the lines when conversing with a submissive, almost as if they’re reading the submissive’s mind. Knowledge is power here, and explanations may not always be fully forthcoming when managing a scene or situation; rather it is expected that those around them to work things out for themselves.

Such is the confidence usually commanded by the Dominant at home in this role, that Dominants with a Switch personality will frequently submit to them, simply because of the levels of trust and confidence they inspire.

The Goddess

The Goddess role represents the unobtainable, the ultimate desire a submissive wishes to reach, but believes they never can. The role involves keeping the submissive at a distance, keeping them yearning and striving, and only allowing them small pieces of the Dominant, never the whole. This role is frequently adopted by Dominants when they are seeking a submissive, it is a role that is intensely alluring to submissives and can set the Dominant comfortable in the role head-and-shoulders above others. It is also a role that, while it can be maintained in and of itself in more casual relationships, tends to segue into one of the other primary roles – particularly that of the Omniscient – as a specific Dominant / submissive relationship deepens.

The Nurturer

The Nurturer places the well-being of their subs first and foremost; generally appearing unassuming and thoughtful. The role involves encouragement and gentle teaching – the nurturing and growth of submissives being the driving force. The Nurturer is often as much a friend and confidante for those around them as they are Dominant, reflecting some of the characteristics of the Omniscient One in this respect. The role may also tend to overlap with the more active roles of Controller and Disciplinarian, which can surface when undue wilfulness is shown on the part of a submissive, or where sterner lessons need to be taught.

The Sensualist

The Sensualist focuses on the physical pleasures of sexuality and the heightened response generated by arousal. A Dominant engaging in the Sensualist role tends to thrive in witnessing the submissive’s responses to their overtures and in controlling the submissive’s levels of arousal, playing them almost like an instrument. Teasing sexual arousal and orgasm denial are common tools of the Sensualist. While bondage and restriction may be involved, the function of any bondage involved is to enhance the submissive sense of vulnerability and helplessness, rather than to instil any feeling of forthcoming punishment. The Sensualist will manipulate and torment the submissive gently, their own arousal and satisfaction increasing as the submissive’s own arousal / frustration / enjoyment increases; generating a powerful dynamic that can be satisfying to both in and of itself, or which can counterpoint other active Dominant roles within a scene for even greater excitement and satisfaction.

The Tease

Like the Sensualist, the Tease enjoys getting their subs aroused and draws confidence and pleasure from knowing they are the object of desire for the sub. The role is slightly more one-sided than the Sensualist, as it is more focused on teasing the submissive for the Tease’s own enjoyment rather than in mutual arousal and feedback.

Within SL, the role of the Tease can be quite common in open role-play Groups and areas where “casual” play can be found, the role being readily adopted by Dominants looking for a little light fun and their own enjoyment. In these situations the Dominant may well take a willing submissive through an escalating scene – and quiet possibly knock them down once the Dominant’s needs have been satisfied, regardless of the submissive’s own state. Nevertheless, it is because of their deft manipulations, that the Tease may well be a strong object of attraction for a submissive.

No absolutes

As mentioned earlier, there are no absolutes with the roles a Dominant may take – that can ebb and flow through scene and situation. While it is common for Dominants to settle into a specific primary role, and accentuate it through the adoption of secondary roles and / or elements of other primary roles, it is not unusual for a Dominant to adopt different primary roles during their time in SL. Nor are any roles any more or less linked with any of the “types” of Dominant I’ve written about elsewhere: the casual Dominant can adopt the role of Disciplinarian or Controller just as much as the lifestyle Dominant. It really comes down to the manner in which the Dominant engages with others in SL, and which role(s) particularly suit their personality / the environment they prefer operating in.

Collars and SL

Posted on May 4, 2011 by Inara Pey

Whether it be the “old school” leather variety, an ornate affair, a simple choker or a metal band, it is fair to say the collar is one of the most potent symbols of rl D/s; its symbolism is as powerful as that of the of the wedding ring in vanilla society.

Collars are also prevalent within the Second Life D/s and BDSM community; however, much of the symbolism inherent in rl collars is not so common within SL. Part of the reason for this rests in the fact that in earlier times (prior to RLV), collars were one of the few means of providing direct interaction between the Dominant and submissive. Through collar commands the Dominant could exert a degree of control over a submissive, forcing them to kneel or bow, hug submissively, be leashed, and so on in ways far more effective than asking the sub to do X or Y.

While other devices have perhaps overtaken the collar in allowing control to be directly exercised over a submissive, the SL collar still tends to lack its rl equivalent’s symbolism. Which is a shame because within the context of a D/s relationship (as opposed to causal play), maintaining some of the rl symbolism and power surrounding the giving and receiving of collars could increase a relationship’s depth and meaning; allowing those who are so minded to incoprorate some of the rl ceremony surrounding collaring into their time in Second Life. But how could this be done?

The three types of collar

Let’s start by looking at rl collars and their meaning. In all, three types of collar are recognised in rl D/s: the Collar of Consideration, the Training Collar and lastly, the Formal Collar. Each symbolises something unique in the relationship, as outlined below.

Collar of Consideration: an “initial” collar given when a Dominant and submissive have spent time together and feel there is an opportunity for them to develop the relationship further (i.e. it is not given at the start of a relationship). It denotes the beginning of a deeper exploration of compatibility between the two; further, its presence acts as a clear indicator to other Dominants that this submissive is off-limits for the duration of the period of consideration. Honourable Dominants will accept this, and will not attempt to pursue the submissive.
Training Collar: this indicates that the relationship is moving to a still deeper level of attachment and commitment, and both parties are considering a long-term relationship. This collar tends to be worn for a more extended period and can be analogous to an engagement ring in terms of the depth of feelings and meaning involved. The giving / acceptance of a Training Collar is usually accompanied by a change in tempo in the relationship: scening starts or becomes more focused, with an emphasis on mutual exploration and understanding of the submissive’s limits.
The Formal Collar: symbolises the full commitment between Dominant and submissive, much like a wedding ring. It reflects the trust, respect and love they have for one another. While it is not vital, the giving / receiving of a Formal Collar is sometimes performed as a ceremony which again, some liken to a wedding ceremony, witnessed by close friends and scene members.

Each of these collars is deeply symbolic and holds its own power within rl D/s. They reflect the thoughts and hopes of both parties that have been expressed and fulfilled thus far in the relationship whilst also providing a focus for the continued growth of commitment and trust in the future.

Symbolism and Second Life

Given that most submissives and Switches (not to mention a lot of Dominants!) already have a collar, it’s actually quite easy to reproduce some of the symbolism and meaning associated with rl collars directly into an SL D/s relationship. For example, each of the three stages of collaring might be represented in a growing relationship thus:

Collar of Consideration: the submissive adds the Dominant as a “secondary owner” to their collar – potentially removing anyone else in the process (depending on what has been agreed between the two), while retain primary ownership
Training Collar: this can be symbolised through the deepening relationship by the submissive making the Dominant the primary owner of their collar, allowing the Dominant a measure of grater authority and demonstrating the growing bonding of trust between them both
Formal Collar: this becomes the collar owned / purchased by the Dominant and presented to the submissive at the time when the two decide to enter into a fully committed relationship, possibly with a formal Collaring Ceremony attended by friends and family, where they openly proclaim their love / devotion to one another.

In this way a couple not only instil some of the rl mystique of collars into their SL relationship, they allow the relationship to develop more naturally; there is no longer a need to rush into an immediate collaring as the be-all and end-all. Also, this approach can enhance the relationship as it encourages both excitement at, and anticipation of, what is going to happen at each stage in the process, culminating with the awarding of the Formal Collar.

Obviously, it is not vital for a committed couple to take these steps; however, by adding a splash of rl symbolism and tradition to the collaring of one by another, we’re helping to elevate the collar above it just being another toy, and doing so in a way that is full of significance for those involved. Which really can’t be a bad thing, can it?

The nature of domination

Posted on April 29, 2011 by Inara Pey

I’ve already covered the character traits of a “good” Dominant which can be applied to SL-based D/s as much as real-life D/s. In what is likely to be the second of three interlinked articles, I’d like to take time to discuss the nature of domination itself.

Domination as an activity stands apart from the character traits of the Dominant. We all have it in us to carry those traits that go towards being a “good” Dominant; however, to truly understand Domination requires an understanding and interpretation of the word that not all can grasp or translate. easily or correctly.

Protection and respect

The nature of Domination is not simply about giving random orders, or handing down punishment. It is the Dominant’s responsibility to care for, train and nurture their submissive(s), encouraging within the submissive a desire to serve; thus, the nature of Domination encompasses protection and respect. Both of these are intertwined because the submissive is willingly surrendering to the Dominant – surrendering control and ego; allowing the Dominant to take control of their life. This requires the Dominant to respond with the proper respect for the submissive’s choice of position and status and to give the proper protection to ensure that the submissive’s relinquishing of control is not in any way abused, either directly by the Dominant, or by any third-party with whom the submissive comes into contact with within the context of their D/s lifestyle. It is the nature of Domination for the Dominant to be the submissive’s emotional protector, teacher and lover.

Understanding

The nature of Domination is one of understanding. Through open and direct communication the Dominant seeks to gain insight into the submissive’s desires, hopes, needs and wants. Through this insight, the Dominant can take care of the submissive, always giving the submissive what they need – which is not necessarily what they presume they need, nor necessarily what they think they “want.” Thus the nature of Domination is to build upon the trust the submissive gives to the Dominant and to strengthen the submissive’s self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

The nature of Domination is not capricious. It is not about exercising power and control over another either for the sake of the power itself, or at the cost of the submissive’s self-esteem. Those that repeatedly exercise this kind of negative control are not Dominant but domineering – and any submissive facing such acts has every right to take their leave of the individual concerned. Domination is not a licence for one to do as they please without thought or care for the impact, physical and / or emotional they may be having on those placed in their care.

Similarly, Domination is not about taking away a submissive’s identity (although the “loss” or “surrender” of identity may well play a valid part in specific role play within the relationship). Nor is it purely about punishment (although the proper application of punishment, delivered clearly and fairly, be it physical or psychological, does have a role to play & “punishment” can be utilised within BDSM role play).

A rose

No, Domination is about growth, love and encouragement. Rather than subsuming the submissive’s identity, Domination should allow it to grow, allowing the submissive to further recognise their own nature and desires with regards to the Dominant, and accept them. Through love and encouragement, the submissive is nurtured and allowed to flourish in their desire to surrender and to serve. As FRR Mallory so eloquently put it: “the submissive radiates from the Dominant’s love and devotion, becoming a rose; a beautiful being that knows they are loved and cared for.”

Where punishment – in its truest sense – is required, then it should always be meted out fairly and with just cause and reason both sides of the relationship understand. It should never be arbitrary. Nor should anger ever be a part of punishment – Domination does not encompass harshness or hostility – rather, it encompasses love and forgiveness.

And it should never be forgotten that reward for good behaviour is as at least as important as punishment is for transgressions.

Thus, Domination is not about trying to shape or mold a submissive into whatever the Dominant believes the submissive should be. To echo FRR Mallory’s analogy: roses do not grow and blossom because we bully them into doing so; they become a thing of beauty because we nurture them and help them to grow, giving them love, attention and protection. Yes there may be traits or attitudes within a submissive that need softening, worries that need to be allayed or addressed or desires that require nurturing which may in themselves encourage the submissive to grow and change; but the key to bringing about such changes lay in the one word: nurture. It is the nature of domination to tend and care not to bully and cajole.

All of the above apply as much to SL as they do to rl. The Loving Dominant within SL carries the same responsibilities as any Dominant involved in a rl D/s relationship – perhaps more so, in some respects.

SL tends to encourage us to seek to sate our own wants and needs, regardless of the feelings of others. Where this is clearly understood between the parties involved, it is not necessarily a problem – one of the attractions of SL is that it can form a “safe” environment for casual play for all concerned. But there is always a risk that one side is seeking something more – and if this is not understood from the outset, then there is a good chance someone is going to get hurt. While the onus is always on both sides of the equation to clearly express their wants and hopes, there is something of an extra burden on the Dominant to ensure these have been properly understood if there is the slightest suspicion desires between people may not entirely meet up.

SL is also unique in that it is very common for Dominants to have multiple submissives; families of three or four or even six or eight are not uncommon. Again, this isn’t a problem as long as any submissive coming into such a family understands the nature of the environment they are entering and the Dominant takes the time to understand the unique hopes and desires of the submissive entering the family. We are not all homogenous, and while it may appear that “fun” and “bondage” and “play” are what is sought – it is entirely possible that someone entering a family environment is seeking something more – and make no mistake, it is the Dominant’s responsibility to recognise this, and act accordingly in order to prevent the real feelings and emotions that lie behind the computer monitor from being hurt.

In summary

To summarise this post alongside that of the “good” Dominant:

The profile of a “good” Dominant could be summed up as someone who is mentally strong, able, confident in and of themselves, loving, empathic and gentle;
While the nature of Domination is one of protection, respect, responsibility, encouragement and care.

Those who understand the latter and embrace the former are “true” Dominants, so to speak, whether in Second Life or in real life.

The caring submissive

Posted on April 28, 2011 by Inara Pey

OK…so I’ve given my view on the making of a “good” dominant. What about the other side of the coin: what makes a “good” submissive?

Well, rather unsurprisingly, I’d say those qualities I outlined for Dominants apply here as well: kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy, a strong sense of ethics & honesty, and a respectful attitude towards others regardless of their position in life. All are character traits one finds desirable in others no matter who they are or what they do – or whatever label they choose to take.

At the end of the day, we are defined by our actions, and our actions are defined by our nature, and all of these traits have their place in the “good” submissive. Also, like a “good” Dominant, a “good” submissive is one who is willing to learn – either through direct instruction or through the support and nurturing of their peers (or indeed in an ideal world, both); where appropriate, they are also willing to assist, guide and even advise others – both submissives and Dominants – who are less well-versed in the scene.

Beyond these announcements from the Department of the Bleeding Obvious (to which I confess to being a fully paid-up member), what makes a “good” submissive is perhaps somewhat more subjective than defining a “good” Dominant; by their very natures and desires, Dominants seek different things in their submissives, and how these wants and needs are shared between Dominant and submissive take many different forms. Because of this, the rest of this piece may read as more subjective than my post on “good” Dominants – and for that I make no apology. What follows is influenced by my own perceptions and preferences – but I’ve little doubt that they are attributes many a Dominant will agree with.

Observation and Response

Near the top of the list of traits one would anticipate from a “good” submissive, I would place an ability to pay attention and a willingness to demonstrate empathy.

By “pay attention” I do not mean the submissive should be hanging on the Dominant’s every word, ever-ready to scamper to obey every order or request made. I’m referring to the more subtle actions of observation and response; as the submissive talks and interacts with their Dominant, they should take note of those things that clearly have brought pleasure – and equally what has caused upset – and seek the means to enhance the former in both actions and words, in and out of scene, while striving to avoid a repeat of the latter.

For example, if the Dominant expresses a love of ballroom dancing within SL, the “good” submissive will do more than simply respond, “well, let’s go!” (or worse, respond negatively to the idea of spending time doing the same). Rather, they’ll take time to discover which places the Dominant particularly enjoys when dancing – and what other venues are out on the grid that might bring new, and shared memories of happiness, offering them as places the two might then visit and explore.

Taking time to learn what acts as a positive trigger for the Dominant can be vastly rewarding for both sides of the relationship. For the Dominant, it is a clear demonstration that the submissive is attentive; for the submissive it can lead to new and unexpected avenues of scening as a result of their efforts. For both it contributes to the deepening of the relationship. However, gaining such insights and understanding may not always be obvious, and a further mark of a good submissive can be seen in their willingness to engage with their Dominant and discover those intimate nuggets that can enrich the relationship.

In this, “not knowing” or “not being told” these things is not a valid excuse for a submissive. “Being told” is not the point. The act of discovery on the part of the submissive (through gentle / subtle enquiry, for example) is; using conversations and quiet times to discover these nuances about a Dominant. To simply wait for all such information to be handed to the submissive on a gilded platter is, perhaps one of the quickest ways to flatline a relationship, as “you didn’t tell me,” moves from excuse to complaint to accusation, either intentionally, or in the ears of the Dominant.

Supportive

A good submissive is supportive of their Dominant’s dreams and ideas – but not necessarily blindly so. Going along with every half-considered idea that pops into the Dominant’s head is not the aim. Be prepared to ask questions, especially where notions and ideas may well impact on the relationship in terms of time and ability to nurture one another. Setting-up an in-world business may well sound like a lot of fun; it might even help offset the cost of being in SL – but has the Dominant really considered everything, the state of the market, the effort involved, the likelihood of success. All such questions need to be addressed by anyone about to embark on such a venture, and the good Dominant is not going to begrudge their submissive asking them, even if they have been considering them already.

Of course, this is not to say that they should be fired machine-gun like at the Dominant; but by the same token, they should not be ignored because it is not “the place” for the submissive to ask them. Often, they may well be the kind of question the Dominant is ruminating over – but having them asked by a loved one can frequently be a powerful aid in putting things in perspective, and the shared concerns help deepen the relationship as a whole.

Empathy plays an important role within the life of a submissive for obvious reasons; many of which filter through into Second Life from real life. It is very easy to log into SL after a crappy day in real life with the expectation of finding release for tensions and disappointments – and to look to a Dominant as being the means by which that release can be achieved. But Dominants can have crappy days as well, and the good submissive will be sensitive to this and respond accordingly – and preferably without thinly veiled disappointment or outright petulance, as can so often be the case.

So what about the rest, you ask: the obedience, the act of submission itself, the handing over of control, the attitude of respect, the forms of address to be employed by a submissive, etc? Clearly, they are part of the submissive’s character; but it is how they are presented that is the key. Are they given in the expectation of something of equal (or greater) measure in return? Or are they presented out of a genuine desire to submit to the Dominant, to openly accept their authority, their care and their nurturing? Most Dominants will respond much more positively to the latter than the former.

On a very personal level, blind obedience is not something I find desirable in a submissive; others may. I like submissives who are – within the framework of respect and understanding – inquisitive, humorous, engaging in conversation, mischievous, playful and willing to push things at times. Occasionally taking it upon themselves to initiate a scene, for example, rather than placing the emphasis on everything squarely on the Dominant’s shoulders all the time simply because the submissive doesn’t want to “lose spontaneity” – how about the Dominant’s ability to enjoy something spontaneous once in a while? Again, “initiating a scene” does not mean taking charge – it simply means taking the responsibility for setting the ball rolling – such as through a playful act of “disobedience”, or by gently teasing the Dominant.

Desire and Care

The “good” submissive is perhaps most readily identified by two words: desire and care. They have a genuine desire to submit and have another to take control; by the same token, they care enough about the relationship to ensure it doesn’t become totally one-sided, with Give” and “receive” seen as a one-way flow of energy from Dominant to submissive, without any reciprocal dynamic.

Thus the “good” submissive is one willing to submit and accept the control of another in their life while also growing into someone who can intelligently fulfil the accepted desires and hopes of the Dominant to the satisfaction and enjoyment of both.

The loving Dominant

Posted on April 28, 2011 by Inara Pey

There is more to being a Dominant than wearing a title, carrying a crop, giving orders or dressing the part. While all of the former might have a role to play in presenting oneself as a possible Dominant – of looking the part, so to speak – they have little to do with what actually defines a Dominant. This is something that by-and-large comes from within; like any skill, the basics can be learned, and the ability grown and nurtured through immersion in the scene and developed by spending time with those well-versed in the lifestyle. But just like any other skill or ability, how well one succeeds comes down to how willing and receptive one is to learning or being taught – and how well one’s talent and temperament are suited to taking on a Dominant role.

Within Second Life, it is doubly easy to slap on a title and swagger around a bondage or role-play sim barking orders, trying to subdue submissives and impress others – but even in the most uncomplicated of role-play scenarios, there is no substitute for understanding the nuances of domination and exhibiting the traits that define a “good” Dominant.

So, what are the characteristics that make up a “good” Dominant? What should someone unfamiliar with the scene and who wishes to move beyond “simple” role-play look for in others or seek to aspire?

Well – simply put, a good Dominant is someone who possesses the very qualities we would ascribe to a “good person”: kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. A good Dominant, like a “good person” has a strong sense of ethics and honesty and is respectful of others regardless of their position in life.

It is these qualities, more than anything else, that define a person’s character and personality, and are the essential skills that determine how good a person is liable to be in anything – be it their career, their home life – or “being” a Dominant.

As I mentioned above, that art of domination is very much a skill, and as such “good” Dominants tend to show a willingness to learn, to grow and to understand; they are on a journey as much as any submissive can be said to be on a journey. In real life, they often take the time to attend seminars and workshops, they have sought out their peers and perhaps those far more experienced than themselves. They have taken the time and effort to learn and grow; and there is no reason why SL should be any different; if one wants to gain the respect of peers and the approbation of subs, then one should take the time to understand D/s and BDSM within Second Life, and apply the qualities mentioned above throughout their dealings within the D/s community and Second Life as a whole.

Domiant, not domineering

There is one things a good Dominant is not - and that is domineering. Sadly, as is often the case in real life, there are those who mistake a domineering mien as a key element of being seen as a “Dominant”. Their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive. Where the Dominant will demonstrate respect, understanding and self-control the domineering individual will demand that they are given respect, will show a lack of understanding of basic D/s precepts and exhibit a lack of self-discipline, resorting to inappropriate actions and / or threats towards submissives.

A Dominant exercises control not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple expedient of showing they care. While a Dominant is both authoritarian and powerful, they are ever mindful of those around them, exercising care and consideration for their subs, as well as acting with respect for others regardless of whether they are Dominant or submissive.

As with rl, the good Dominant in SL takes responsibility for the submissive(s) in their life. Yes, the subs are controlled and dominated – but the Dominant remains at all times empathic towards them and sympathetic to their needs, in full understanding that for any submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by their empathy towards those in their care, being able to step back from their authority and become a loving dominant – providing the necessary care, love and confidence to their subs when such are needed as a result of external pressures in real life – or indeed, arising from pressures that can arise within Second Life itself.

Hailing frequencies open

D/s flows from the foundations of trust and communication – and a good Dominant is someone who can instil the former and actively encourages the latter. They will listen to their submissive(s) and learn about them and their needs / hopes / desires. How this knowledge is used, or returned to the relationships remains the prerogative of the Dominant; but if the communications are not there from start, then things are already starting to stray towards rocky ground. All relationships mature and change over time, and healthy D/s relationships are no different. Thus it is important that the channels of communication, once opened, are maintained and renewed throughout the relationship, so that any changes can be discussed and dealt with openly and without rancour or upset – and the responsibility for seeing this is the case lies with the Dominant.

In this, the Dominant should also be something of a diplomat, seeking to ensure such communications are open and honest – and also seeking to avoid unnecessary arguments and disagreements; instead working to arbitrate situations or prevent a disagreement from growing out-of-hand.

Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended – for it is to emotional harm that we are all most vulnerable within SL. What we see on our screens may be collections of energised pixels – but what is sitting behind them are real people with real feelings and emotional needs and vulnerabilities. Those who repeatedly strike at these vulnerabilities or who seek to exploit them are not good Dominants. They are abusers, pure and simple.

So given all of the above, can the “good” Dominant actually exist in SL? They not only can – they do. They have no need to trumpet their skills or abilities – these speak for themselves in terms of the popularity they enjoy among subs and other Dominants alike.

If you have not found your “good” Dominant yet, I hope the above will give you enough pointers to help you in your quest; and if you are a Dominant looking to improve your skills, then perhaps these notes may also help….or at least point you in the direction of those who can help by example. They’ll be easy enough to spot in-world, as they’ll be surrounded by loving subs.

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It’s not in a title

“Talk to me”

It’s a learning process

Peer pressure

D/s Groups and locations

Further Reading

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Categories

Why draw any distinction?

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The Disciplinarian

The Controller

The Power Wielder

The Omniscient One

The Goddess

The Nurturer

The Sensualist

The Tease

No absolutes

Further Reading

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The three types of collar

Symbolism and Second Life

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Protection and respect

Understanding

A rose

In summary

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Observation and Response

Desire and Care

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Domiant, not domineering

Hailing frequencies open

Further Reading

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