Starting out: SL Domination

In this blog, I’ve covered a range of topics related to Dominants and domination; I’ve looked at the nature of Domination, the preferred characteristics that should ideally be present in a “good” Dominant, the Dominant typography common to SL, and the more common roles Dominants in SL can (and do) adopt.

But how does one who has little practical experience in the world of D/s, but would like to adopt the mantle of a Dominant, go about things?

All too often, people entering the D/s environment within SL do so in the mistaken belief that being Dominant is not something you learn, it is simply something you “are”. This can lead to some very odd extremes of behaviour that can encompass, but are not limited to – rudeness, swagger, foolish chatter and/or demands, and sometimes a pompous belief in their own infallibility.

But the truth is, no-one is truly born Dominant. Like any other skill, Domination is something that can, and is, learnt; it is refined and honed over time as an ongoing process that encompasses both experience and learning in a mutual loop of self-development. “Good” Dominants will admit that they are constantly learning, no matter how experienced they may appear to be.

This being the case, if you are coming into SL D/s for the very first time, there is no need to feel you have to reach for a mask or adopt a certain style of behaviour in order to establish your “credentials”.

It’s not in a title

Thus we come to “Pey’s First Rule of Domination”: Your status as a Dominant is not determined by the tag you hang above your name. It is defined by how you act and interact.

Taking time out to watch how others interact is one of the best activities the “newbie Dom(me)” can engage in, watching how other Dominants interact with those around them. Observation can also give valuable insight into the types of behaviour that don’t go down so well with those who are established in SL D/s.

And observe means just that. There is an etiquette to D/s and BDSM that extends into SL. Finding others engaged in open play at a public sim is, not, I’m afraid, an invitation for anyone to join in. Nor are all subs obliged to kneel before every Master or Mistress they happen to come across.

Which is not to say that some engaged in public scenes wouldn’t welcome an additional pair of hands (or feet, or a forked tongue or furry tail or whatever tickles their fancy…); some people do get turned on by-play with strangers. Some Dom(mes) like to see their subs played with and excited at the hands of others.

So how do you tell the difference?

Well, a big clue is in the invitation; if you’re invited to participate, you can take it that your involvement will be appreciated. BUT….don’t leap in with both feet. How has the play proceeded so far? What limits have been expressed? What limits have been implied? Has the Dom(me) or (just as importantly) the sub expressed any preferences for the play or indicated part of the play has moved towards a limit that shouldn’t be crossed? How have others behaved around the sub? Have they used harsher language, have they used corporal punishment, or have they been more tender? Take your lead from what you have seen going on before you, use IM to establish anything you are unsure of, and moderate your play accordingly. Again, “domination” does not necessarily involve leaping forward, whip in hand and flailing the living daylights out of someone – and if that hasn’t happened in the scene so far and no indication has been given that the sub would enjoy it, it’s a fair bet that it would probably not be welcomed.

Equally importantly, remember that just because you’re invited to engage in the play doesn’t mean you must. If you feel uncomfortable or awkward, you can actually politely refuse; no-one will think any less of you for doing so. D/s is as much about respecting limits and preferences as it is about anything else – and no-one will think any the less of you for expressing a preference not to directly engage in the play at hand.

“Talk to me”

Which brings me to “Pey’s Second Rule of Domination”: always communicate. Never, ever, be afraid to seek advice, to ask questions. Sure, some of them may mark you out as a “newbie” – but there is absolutely no shame in that; and I’ve yet to find a good Dominant who will tear your lungs out for politely seeking advice from them. Well, providing you are diplomatic; asking, “Why did you do this? Why did you say that? How do you find out if your sub…” during a scene may well not go down to well! Pick your time wisely, and people will generally be willing to help.

And communication goes much further than one-to-one conversations. While it is true that many “wannabe” (in the most negative sense) Dominants are loud, bombastic, opinionated and all around pains in the posterior. However, This doesn’t mean you need to be the mouse in the corner.

People tend to be attracted to others who show genuine warmth and wit, and who demonstrate demonstrate intelligence, a willingness to show empathy, and so on. These traits apply to Dominants as well; so what if you lack “hard” experience? Simply being yourself, talking with people getting to know the “regulars” at your preferred playground, group or club and allowing your sensibilities and sense of humour to naturally shine, will go a long way towards generating open and warm responses to you and help people build a fair and reasonable assessment of you.

And in that regard – don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself. Among other things, BDSM in SL involves a bewildering array of toys and devices, and no two product lines are alike; there are no given standards for how menus should work. So it is very easy to get things wrong, or look (in your own eyes) a complete twit or feel yourself panicking as you fumble. This is all perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of. The important thing is not to let it get to you. Take a calming breath, make a joke at your own expense. Not only will it help prevent tension developing, it’ll demonstrate that you are able to keep your ego under control – which is no bad thing for a Dominant.

It’s a learning process

Which brings us to “Pey’s Rule Three”: Give yourself time to learn and grow. Don’t expect – or try – to become an Instant Expert. D/s has a culture and language of its own which can be daunting to learn. As well as asking those around you, there are a lot of good resources out on the web you can use. Use them. Confused when someone talks about “SSC” or “RACK” – sneak a peek via your web browser. You don’t have to demonstrate any newly acquired knowledge, but simply taking the time to look such things up can only broaden your understanding. I’ve tried to provide insight into the Dominant lifestyle through these pages; hopefully they may help the aspiring Dominant – and there are other resources out there. Leather and Roses is one; Google will turn up others.

Giving yourself time to explore, learn, ask, etc., will help you better understand the direction you’ll like to grow your D/s experience in SL and  - allow you to find your own style: how you like to behave, your manner to chat, the confidence you exude, your manner of dress. All these are quintessential markers of the who you are and how you wish to be regarded – and if you let them grow naturally as you gain experience, you’ll fnd they both fit and serve you a lot better than simply grabbing the nearest “Dominant’s outfit” and strutting your stuff while wearing it.

Always remember…reputations spread easily in any environment….and that is so true of SL. And just like any other club, group, clique, gathering, or interest, it is a lot harder to get rid of a “bad” reputation than it is to establish a “good” reputation.

If you’re of a mind, seek out one of the D/s groups I’ve listed below. You’ll find people – Dominants and submissives like – willing to encourage, support and help; they also provide friendly environments in which you can discover more about D/s – and may offer talks and a similar on a range of D/s topics.

Peer pressure

And all that said….don’t be tempted to give in to peer pressure. We all approach D/s differently. We all have our own hopes, wants, and desires, so that what is right for one Dom(me) may not necessarily be right for you. So what if Mistress X has collared 8 subs, and all are happily devoted to her? It doesn’t mean you have to leap out and collar half-a-dozen subs of your own to be regarded as a “Dominant”. You may just as easily find that progressing to the point where you give your collar to just one sub is all the fulfilment the two of you require. Equally, you may find the whole collaring / relationship “thing” way over-rated, and that becoming a “staff” Dom(me) at a reputable club or playground is more to your liking, or that simple casual play is more suited to the time you have for SL.

D/s Groups and locations

This list is not exhaustive, but highlights a number of in-world Groups that may assist the budding Dominant (and submissive!):

• BDSM Forum – Forum island: a newcomer-friendly BDSM group on a private sim; Group membership is by invitation. Talks and tours available. Voice can be used
• Estate Obscure – Estate Obscure: a women-only D/s group and private sim for Dommes, submissives and Switches. Run with care, knowledge and understanding
• D/s Council of Second Life: dedicated to promoting, protecting, & understanding, D/s lifestyle in all its forms. Members of this group are expected to care for one another, practice responsible D/s, and to respect all forms of D/s in the secondlife community. Membership is restricted and must be approved by an officer (see the Group listing in-world).

Further Reading

• The nature of Domination
• The loving Dominant
• Dominant roles
• Dominant typology

Dominant typology

There are several Dominant “types” within Second Life. By “type”, I’m not referring to roles that a Dominant may adopt – such as the Disciplinarian or the Controller or the Goddess or whatever; these are discussed in a separate essay that makes up my little quartet on Domination and SL. By “type”, I mean the overall approach a Dominant takes to Second Life: are they here for casual play? Are they seeking  relationship-based D/s? Is D/s their primary reason for being involved in Second Life, or is it balanced or offset by other, more vanilla interests? Is the Dominant monogamous or polyamorous?

Categories

Broadly speaking, Dominants in Second Life tend to fall into three primary categories: the casual, the moderate and the lifestyle.

The casual Dominant can be described as one who has little or no desire to engage in a significant D/s relationship. For them it is the thrill of the chase, the capture of a now experience, a new submissive or two and new ways of finding pleasure / giving torment or tease. Short-term capture and interaction over a few days may form a part of their activities, but they are by-and-large not seeking a long-term relationship – although some might make and exception if someone very special comes along.  Open play sims, kidnap rp sims and the like tend to be popular with the casual Dominant.

The moderate Dominant is someone for whom D/s is very much a focus of their SL life, but who also engage in other activities that may lead to them spending a fair amount of time and effort away from anything that is D/s-oriented. This is not to say they are not committed to “being” Dominant, rather that their SL life is more reflective, perhaps of rl, where we all tend to engage in a plethora or interests and pursuits. They are more involved in relationship-style D/s than the casual Dominant, but not exclusively so.

The lifestyle Dominant is someone who sees D/s as their raison d’être for being in SL, with all other interests being somewhat secondary to having a “fully D/s” lifestyle while in-world. In keeping with this goal, the lifestyle Dominant may adopt the more forceful Dominant roles, frequently combining that of the Controller and that of the Disciplinarian. They also tend to opt for a style of dress that reflects their deep involved in SL D/s: boots, uniforms, visible accoutrements such as whips, etc., on open display. This is perhaps the type of Dominant that those new to SL and D/s aspire to, as it is seen as symbolising “the lifestyle”.

Within the moderate and lifestyle categories of Dominant one may also find the Collector and the Matriarch / Patriarch.

The Collector, as the name suggests is someone who tends to gather submissives quickly – often according to some specific criteria or role-play requirement. The Collector tends to collar quickly, and is inclined to see the size of their collection as a sign of their prowess as a Dominant. This is not to say the Collector is unskilled as a Dominant; rather the reverse, they are probably quite adept at assuming one or more Dominant roles that enable them to attract submissives. However, they may not always place a priority in maintaining the balance within their group, nor be willing (or indeed able) to provide the attention and /or nurture submissives in their charge to the degree the submissive desires. As a result of this, Collectors tend to have a high turn-over of submissives.

The Matriarch / Patriarch may appear similar to the Collector, but in fact their goal is very different. It is not quantity that counts with the Matriarch / Patriarch, it is quality. The quick collar is rare here; rather then will take time to get to know a potential and see how the potential engages and relates to those submissives already within the “family”. As a result, the units they form tend to be more close-knit and enduring, with a much lower turnover than the Collector may experience. Submissives who require a little more in the way of nurturing and support can settle into such units, where they will receive the love and support of their peers during those times when the Dominant’s attention is focused elsewhere, and they will have the assurance that their Dominant is invested in them.

Why draw any distinction?

Why is it important to draw any distinction as to the “types” of Dominants one may encounter?

Well, because for any D/s relationship to flourish each side needs to be able to recognise with whom they are dealing. If a submissive is looking for someone who will nurture them, helping them to grow in their role, share SL life and times with them – then it is fair to say, engaging with a casual Dominant could well lead to heartache; they’d be much better off with a moderate or lifestyle Dominant – with the caveat that it’ may not be a good idea for a submissive with these needs to seek a deep engagement with a Collector.

Similarly, the submissive seeking to surrender absolutely to a Dominant as far as it is possible within SL, their wish being that they are placed under “total control” at all times, may well find their needs better met by the lifestyle Dominant than perhaps by the moderate Dominant who may spend som of their SL time engaged in activities removed from D/s.

That said, it should be understood that there is no implied hierarchy here: the moderate Dominant is not necessarily more skilled than the casual or less skilled than the lifestyle Dominant. Nor is any given type of Dominant more adept in applying the various Dominant roles. The only real differentiators between them are in terms of their willingness to be involved in longer-term relationships in SL and  /or their commitments to D/s and other interests that they have in SL which may impact on their ability, time and willingness to engage “purely” in D/s-related activities.

So one might say the watchword here is to be aware of what is going on around you and the people you’re interacting with – be aware of the types of roles evidenced – but don’t completely typecast people by their initial behaviour. It takes time to understand and appreciate who and what they are.

Further Reading

• The loving Dominant
• The nature of domination
• Dominant roles

Dominant roles

A role is something every Dominant adopts, whether it be a “primary” role that defines them as a Dominant, or whether it is a “secondary” role that is adopted specifically to fit a situation, scene or mood. There are no hard-and-fast rules as to what role to take, or how to project it; we each tend to come into those roles that we find most suited to our personality and experience; and there is certainly nothing wrong with experimenting with a number of roles to find out which suit you best, or which you find can be best combined in order to achieve a balance that is rewarding to yourself and your submissive(s).

The Disciplinarian

This role focuses on discipline as the means by which power is exercised. Rules are a major factor in the Disciplinarian’s activities, any infringement of which will result in punishment of one sort of another, be it stringent bondage, corporal punishment or a combination of both. Sexual discipline can also be a hallmark of this role, with CBT and / or chastity devices frequently being employed.

At the extreme end of the scale, the Disciplinarian role may well dip into that of sadism – again, a common trait in SL, but one which is less common than one might think in real life D/s.  Here the role becomes far more capricious: the submissive is subjected to heavy bondage, restriction, isolation and undergoes heavy punishments purely on the Dominant’s whim and with little regard for their own enjoyment. Those with a more domineering attitude and little practical exposure to D/s tend to associate themselves with this role, mistakenly believing it is a sign of “genuine” dominance.

The Controller

The Controller takes control of the submissive’s Second Life, determining absolutely everything that the submissive can and cannot do, say or wear, generally through extensive use of RLV restrictions. The Controller takes enormous pleasure / power from controlling every aspect of a submissive’s life, and tends to be of the opinion that power isn’t power unless it is being demonstrated, be it through their sub being in some form of constant bondage, or made to wear a specific uniform or trapped in Mouselook. While this can initially be exciting for all parties involved, over time the role can become one-dimensional, and the submissive that initially craves this kind of attention / treatment can become frustrated. Similarly, the inexperienced Dominant adopting only this role can initially gain significant pleasure from it, but can find that being responsible for absolutely everything becomes wearing.

The Power Wielder

The Power Wielder is similar to the Controller in that they will make decisions and call the shots, but not so overtly or directly as the Controller. Rather than directing what will happen from the start, the Power Wielder may seem to seek opinions, expressing a desire in terms of a question. “Are you in the mood for some public bondage?” might sound like a choice on engaging in a public scene of or is on offer, but a “no thank you,” won’t be considered an acceptable response; rather, the Power Wielder is seeking the submissive’s input on where they might carry out the scene.

The Power Wielder does not necessarily require that their control over the submissive to be always on display through the use of leashes or bondage, etc. The submissive is expected to demonstrate a degree of intuitiveness – knowing what to wear, how to behave, etc., without being commanded. They may even enjoy some latitude in what they can do when the Dominant is not available.

The Omniscient One

This role is adopted by Dominants who are serene and naturally confident in both their self-identity and in their abilities as a Dominant. They had little need to make demands, snap orders, hand the submissive a set of rules as long as your arm, wield a whip; their power is subliminal – and infinitely attractive. Submissives are naturally attracted to Dominants fully involved in this role and frequently find themselves “obeying” the Dominant even though no orders or requests have been made – merely suggestions. They do so, because making a positive impression on such Dominants is somehow important.

As a more passive role than those described above, the Omniscient One is generally deeply intuitive, and can frequently read between the lines when conversing with a submissive, almost as if they’re reading the submissive’s mind. Knowledge is power here, and explanations may not always be fully forthcoming when managing a scene or situation; rather it is expected that those around them to work things out for themselves.

Such is the confidence usually commanded by the Dominant at home in this role, that Dominants with a Switch personality will frequently submit to them, simply because of the levels of trust and confidence they inspire.

The Goddess

The Goddess role represents the unobtainable, the ultimate desire a submissive wishes to reach, but believes they never can. The role involves keeping the submissive at a distance, keeping them yearning and striving, and only allowing them small pieces of the Dominant, never the whole. This role is frequently adopted by Dominants when they are seeking a submissive, it is a role that is intensely alluring to submissives and can set the Dominant comfortable in the role head-and-shoulders above others. It is also a role that, while it can be maintained in and of itself in more casual relationships, tends to segue into one of the other primary roles – particularly that of the Omniscient – as a specific Dominant / submissive relationship deepens.

The Nurturer

The Nurturer places the well-being of their subs first and foremost; generally appearing unassuming and thoughtful. The role involves encouragement and gentle teaching – the nurturing and growth of submissives being the driving force. The Nurturer is often as much a friend and confidante for those around them as they are Dominant, reflecting some of the characteristics of the Omniscient One in this respect. The role may also tend to overlap with the more active roles of Controller and Disciplinarian, which can surface when undue wilfulness is shown on the part of a submissive, or where sterner lessons need to be taught.

The Sensualist

The Sensualist focuses on the physical pleasures of sexuality and the heightened response generated by arousal. A Dominant engaging in the Sensualist role tends to thrive in witnessing the submissive’s responses to their overtures and in controlling the submissive’s levels of arousal, playing them almost like an instrument. Teasing sexual arousal and orgasm denial are common tools of the Sensualist. While bondage and restriction may be involved, the function of any bondage involved is to enhance the submissive sense of vulnerability and helplessness, rather than to instil any feeling of forthcoming punishment. The Sensualist will manipulate and torment the submissive gently, their own arousal and satisfaction increasing as the submissive’s own arousal / frustration / enjoyment increases; generating a powerful dynamic that can be satisfying to both in and of itself, or which can counterpoint other active Dominant roles within a scene for even greater excitement and satisfaction.

The Tease

Like the Sensualist, the Tease enjoys getting their subs aroused and draws confidence and pleasure from knowing they are the object of desire for the sub. The role is slightly more one-sided than the Sensualist, as it is more focused on teasing the submissive for the Tease’s own enjoyment rather than in mutual arousal and feedback.

Within SL, the role of the Tease can be quite common in open role-play Groups and areas where “casual” play can be found, the role being readily adopted by Dominants looking for a little light fun and their own enjoyment. In these situations the Dominant may well take a willing submissive through an escalating scene – and quiet possibly knock them down once the Dominant’s needs have been satisfied, regardless of the submissive’s own state. Nevertheless, it is because of their deft manipulations, that the Tease may well be a strong object of attraction for a submissive.

No absolutes

As mentioned earlier, there are no absolutes with the roles a Dominant may take – that can ebb and flow through scene and situation. While it is common for Dominants to settle into a specific primary role, and accentuate it through the adoption of secondary roles and / or elements of other primary roles, it is not unusual for a Dominant to adopt different primary roles during their time in SL. Nor are any roles any more or less linked with any of the “types” of Dominant I’ve written about elsewhere: the casual Dominant can adopt the role of Disciplinarian or Controller just as much as the lifestyle Dominant. It really comes down to the manner in which the Dominant engages with others in SL, and which role(s) particularly suit their personality / the environment they prefer operating in.

Further Reading

• The loving Dominant
• The nature of domination
• Dominant typology

Image credits:

“The Disciplinarian”: ‘Damalya’; “The Controller”: ; “Omniscient One”: ‘Lornah’; “The Power Wielder”: ‘Stripbtch’;  ”the Goddess”: ‘PhoenixKarr’; “The Sensualist” and “The Tease”: Himitu Twine; 

Collars and SL

Whether it be the “old school” leather variety, an ornate affair, a simple choker or a metal band, it is fair to say the collar is one of the most potent symbols of rl D/s; its symbolism is as powerful as that of the of the wedding ring in vanilla society.

Collars are also prevalent within the Second Life D/s and BDSM community; however, much of the symbolism inherent in rl collars is not so common within SL. Part of the reason for this rests in the fact that in earlier times (prior to RLV), collars were one of the few means of providing direct interaction between the Dominant and submissive. Through collar commands the Dominant could exert a degree of control over a submissive, forcing them to kneel or bow, hug submissively, be leashed, and so on in ways far more effective than asking the sub to do X or Y.

While other devices have perhaps overtaken the collar in allowing control to be directly exercised over a submissive, the SL collar still tends to lack its rl equivalent’s symbolism. Which is a shame because within the context of a D/s relationship (as opposed to causal play), maintaining some of the rl symbolism and power surrounding the giving and receiving of collars could increase a relationship’s depth and meaning; allowing those who are so minded to incoprorate some of the rl ceremony surrounding collaring into their time in Second Life. But how could this be done?

The three types of collar

Let’s start by looking at rl collars and their meaning. In all, three types of collar are recognised in rl D/s: the Collar of Consideration, the Training Collar and lastly, the Formal Collar. Each symbolises something unique in the relationship, as outlined below.

• Collar of Consideration: an “initial” collar given when a Dominant and submissive have spent time together and feel there is an opportunity for them to develop the relationship further (i.e. it is not given at the start of a relationship). It denotes the beginning of a deeper exploration of compatibility between the two; further, its presence acts as a clear indicator to other Dominants that this submissive is off-limits for the duration of the period of consideration. Honourable Dominants will accept this, and will not attempt to pursue the submissive.
• Training Collar: this indicates that the relationship is moving to a still deeper level of attachment and commitment, and both parties are considering a long-term relationship. This collar tends to be worn for a more extended period and can be analogous to an engagement ring in terms of the depth of feelings and meaning involved. The giving / acceptance of a Training Collar is usually accompanied by a change in tempo in the relationship: scening starts or becomes more focused, with an emphasis on mutual exploration and understanding of the submissive’s limits.
• The Formal Collar: symbolises the full commitment between Dominant and submissive, much like a wedding ring. It reflects the trust, respect and love they have for one another. While it is not vital, the giving / receiving of a Formal Collar is sometimes performed as a ceremony which again, some liken to a wedding ceremony, witnessed by close friends and scene members.

Each of these collars is deeply symbolic and holds its own power within rl D/s. They reflect the thoughts and hopes of both parties that have been expressed and fulfilled thus far in the relationship whilst also providing a focus for the continued growth of commitment and trust in the future.

Symbolism and Second Life

Given that most submissives and Switches (not to mention a lot of Dominants!) already have a collar, it’s actually quite easy to reproduce some of the symbolism and meaning associated with rl collars directly into an SL D/s relationship. For example, each of the three stages of collaring might be represented in a growing relationship thus:

• Collar of Consideration: the submissive adds the Dominant as a “secondary owner” to their collar – potentially removing anyone else in the process (depending on what has been agreed between the two), while retain primary ownership
• Training Collar: this can be symbolised through the deepening relationship by the submissive making the Dominant the primary owner of their collar, allowing the Dominant a measure of grater authority and demonstrating the growing bonding of trust between them both
• Formal Collar: this becomes the collar owned / purchased by the Dominant and presented to the submissive  at the time when the two decide to enter into a fully committed relationship, possibly with a formal Collaring Ceremony attended by friends and family, where they openly proclaim their love / devotion to one another.

In this way a couple not only instil some of the rl mystique of collars into their SL relationship, they allow the relationship to develop more naturally; there is no longer a need to rush into an immediate collaring as the be-all and end-all. Also, this approach can enhance the relationship as it encourages both excitement at, and anticipation of, what is going to happen at each stage in the process, culminating with the awarding of the Formal Collar.

Obviously, it is not vital for a committed couple to take these steps; however, by adding a splash of rl symbolism and tradition to the collaring of one by another, we’re helping to elevate the collar above it just being another toy, and doing so in a way that is full of significance for those involved. Which really can’t be a bad thing, can it?