The nature of domination

I’ve already covered the character traits of a “good” Dominant which can be applied to SL-based D/s as much as real-life D/s. In what is likely to be the second of three interlinked articles, I’d like to take time to discuss the nature of domination itself.

Domination as an activity stands apart from the character traits of the Dominant. We all have it in us to carry those traits that go towards being a “good” Dominant; however, to truly understand Domination requires an understanding and interpretation of the word that not all can grasp or translate.  easily or correctly.

Protection and respect

The nature of Domination is not simply about giving random orders, or handing down punishment. It is the Dominant’s responsibility to care for, train and nurture their submissive(s), encouraging within the submissive a desire to serve; thus, the nature of Domination encompasses protection and respect. Both of these are intertwined because the submissive is willingly surrendering to the Dominant – surrendering control and ego; allowing the Dominant to take control of their life. This requires the Dominant to respond with the proper respect for the submissive’s choice of position and status and to give the proper protection to ensure that the submissive’s relinquishing of control is not in any way abused, either directly by the Dominant, or by any third-party with whom the submissive comes into contact with within the context of their D/s lifestyle. It is the nature of Domination for the Dominant to be the submissive’s emotional protector, teacher and lover.

Understanding

The nature of Domination is one of understanding. Through open and direct communication the Dominant seeks to gain insight into the submissive’s desires, hopes, needs and wants. Through this insight, the Dominant can take care of the submissive, always giving the submissive what they need – which is not necessarily what they presume they need, nor necessarily what they think they “want.” Thus the nature of Domination is to build upon the trust the submissive gives to the Dominant and to strengthen the submissive’s self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

The nature of Domination is not capricious. It is not about exercising power and control over another either for the sake of the power itself, or at the cost of the submissive’s self-esteem. Those that repeatedly exercise this kind of negative control are not Dominant but domineering – and any submissive facing such acts has every right to take their leave of the individual concerned. Domination is not a licence for one to do as they please without thought or care for the impact, physical and / or emotional they may be having on those placed in their care.

Similarly, Domination is not about taking away a submissive’s identity (although the “loss” or “surrender” of identity may well play a valid part in specific role play within the relationship). Nor is it purely about punishment (although the proper application of punishment, delivered clearly and fairly, be it physical or psychological, does have a role to play & “punishment” can be utilised within BDSM role play).

A rose

No, Domination is about growth, love and encouragement. Rather than subsuming the submissive’s identity, Domination should allow it to grow, allowing the submissive to further recognise their own nature and desires with regards to the Dominant, and accept them. Through love and encouragement, the submissive is nurtured and allowed to flourish in their desire to surrender and to serve. As FRR Mallory so eloquently put it: “the submissive radiates from the Dominant’s love and devotion, becoming a rose; a beautiful being that knows they are loved and cared for.”

Where punishment – in its truest sense – is required, then it should always be meted out fairly and with just cause and reason both sides of the relationship understand. It should never be arbitrary. Nor should anger ever be a part of punishment – Domination does not encompass harshness or hostility – rather, it encompasses love and forgiveness.

And it should never be forgotten that reward for good behaviour is as at least as important as punishment is for transgressions.

Thus, Domination is not about trying to shape or mold a submissive into whatever the Dominant believes the submissive should be. To echo FRR Mallory’s analogy: roses do not grow and blossom because we bully them into doing so; they become a thing of beauty because we nurture them and help them to grow, giving them love, attention and protection. Yes there may be traits or attitudes within a submissive that need softening, worries that need to be allayed or addressed or desires that require nurturing which may in themselves encourage the submissive to grow and change; but the key to bringing about such changes lay in the one word: nurture. It is the nature of domination to tend and care not to bully and cajole.

All of the above apply as much to SL as they do to rl. The Loving Dominant within SL carries the same responsibilities as any Dominant involved in a rl D/s relationship – perhaps more so, in some respects.

SL tends to encourage us to seek to sate our own wants and needs, regardless of the feelings of others. Where this is clearly understood between the parties involved, it is not necessarily a problem – one of the attractions of SL is that it can form a “safe” environment for casual play for all concerned. But there is always a risk that one side is seeking something more – and if this is not understood from the outset, then there is a good chance someone is going to get hurt. While the onus is always on both sides of the equation to clearly express their wants and hopes, there is something of an extra burden on the Dominant to ensure these have been properly understood if there is the slightest suspicion desires between people may not entirely meet up.

SL is also unique in that it is very common for Dominants to have multiple submissives; families of three or four or even six or eight are not uncommon. Again, this isn’t a problem as long as any submissive coming into such a family understands the nature of the environment they are entering and the Dominant takes the time to understand the unique hopes and desires of the submissive entering the family. We are not all homogenous, and while it may appear that “fun” and “bondage” and “play” are what is sought – it is entirely possible that someone entering a family environment is seeking something more – and make no mistake, it is the Dominant’s responsibility to recognise this, and act accordingly in order to prevent the real feelings and emotions that lie behind the computer monitor from being hurt.

In summary

To summarise this post alongside that of the “good” Dominant:

• The profile of a “good” Dominant could be summed up as someone who is mentally strong, able, confident in and of themselves, loving, empathic and gentle;
• While the nature of Domination is one of protection, respect, responsibility, encouragement and care.

Those who understand the latter and embrace the former are “true” Dominants, so to speak, whether in Second Life or in real life.

Further Reading

• The loving Dominant

Note: first published on 8th October, 2008, revised April 29th 2011.

The caring submissive

OK…so I’ve given my view on the making of a “good” dominant. What about the other side of the coin: what makes a “good” submissive?

Well, rather unsurprisingly, I’d say those qualities I outlined for Dominants apply here as well: kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy, a strong sense of ethics & honesty, and a respectful attitude towards others regardless of their position in life. All are character traits one finds desirable in others no matter who they are or what they do – or whatever label they choose to take.

At the end of the day, we are defined by our actions, and our actions are defined by our nature, and all of these traits have their place in the “good” submissive. Also, like a “good” Dominant, a “good” submissive is one who is willing to learn – either through direct instruction or through the support and nurturing of their peers (or indeed in an ideal world, both); where appropriate, they are also willing to assist, guide and even advise others – both submissives and Dominants – who are less well-versed in the scene.

Beyond these announcements from the Department of the Bleeding Obvious (to which I confess to being a fully paid-up member), what makes a “good” submissive is perhaps somewhat more subjective than defining a “good” Dominant; by their very natures and desires, Dominants seek different things in their submissives, and how these wants and needs are shared between Dominant and submissive take many different forms. Because of this, the rest of this piece may read as more subjective than my post on “good” Dominants – and for that I make no apology. What follows is influenced by my own perceptions and preferences – but I’ve little doubt that they are attributes many a Dominant will agree with.

Observation and Response

Near the top of the list of traits one would anticipate from a “good” submissive, I would place an ability to pay attention and a willingness to demonstrate empathy.

By “pay attention” I do not mean the submissive should be hanging on the Dominant’s every word, ever-ready to scamper to obey every order or request made. I’m referring to the more subtle actions of observation and response; as the submissive talks and interacts with their Dominant, they should take note of those things that clearly have brought pleasure – and equally what has caused upset –  and seek the means to enhance the former in both actions and words, in and out of scene, while striving to avoid a repeat of the latter.

For example, if the Dominant expresses a love of ballroom dancing within SL, the “good” submissive will do more than simply respond, “well, let’s go!” (or worse, respond negatively to the idea of spending time doing the same). Rather, they’ll take time to discover which places the Dominant particularly enjoys when dancing – and what other venues are out on the grid that might bring new, and shared memories of happiness, offering them as places the two might then visit and explore.

Taking time to learn what acts as a positive trigger for the Dominant can be vastly rewarding for both sides of the relationship. For the Dominant, it is a clear demonstration that the submissive is attentive; for the submissive it can lead to new and unexpected avenues of scening as a result of their efforts. For both it contributes to the deepening of the relationship. However, gaining such insights and understanding may not always be obvious, and a further mark of a good submissive can be seen in their willingness to engage with their Dominant and discover those intimate nuggets that can enrich the relationship.

In this, “not knowing” or “not being told” these things is not a valid excuse for a submissive. “Being told” is not the point. The act of discovery on the part of the submissive (through gentle / subtle enquiry, for example) is; using conversations and quiet times to discover these nuances about a Dominant. To simply wait for all such information to be handed to the submissive on a gilded platter is, perhaps one of the quickest ways to flatline a relationship, as “you didn’t tell me,” moves from excuse to complaint to accusation, either intentionally, or in the ears of the Dominant.

Supportive

A good submissive is supportive of their Dominant’s dreams and ideas – but not necessarily blindly so. Going along with every half-considered idea that pops into the Dominant’s head is not the aim. Be prepared to ask questions, especially where notions and ideas may well impact on the relationship in terms of time and ability to nurture one another. Setting-up an in-world business may well sound like a lot of fun; it might even help offset the cost of being in SL – but has the Dominant really considered everything, the state of the market, the effort involved, the likelihood of success. All such questions need to be addressed by anyone about to embark on such a venture, and the good Dominant is not going to begrudge their submissive asking them, even if they have been considering them already.

Of course, this is not to say that they should be fired machine-gun like at the Dominant; but by the same token, they should not be ignored because it is not “the place” for the submissive to ask them. Often, they may well be the kind of question the Dominant is ruminating over – but having them asked by a loved one can frequently be a powerful aid in putting things in perspective, and the shared concerns help deepen the relationship as a whole.

Empathy plays an important role within the life of a submissive for obvious reasons; many of which filter through into Second Life from real life. It is very easy to log into SL after a crappy day in real life with the expectation of finding release for tensions and disappointments – and to look to a Dominant as being the means by which that release can be achieved. But Dominants can have crappy days as well, and the good submissive will be sensitive to this and respond accordingly – and preferably without thinly veiled disappointment or outright petulance, as can so often be the case.

So what about the rest, you ask: the obedience, the act of submission itself, the handing over of control, the attitude of respect, the forms of address to be employed by a submissive, etc? Clearly, they are part of the submissive’s character; but it is how they are presented that is the key. Are they given in the expectation of something of equal (or greater) measure in return? Or are they presented out of a genuine desire to submit to the Dominant, to openly accept their authority, their care and their nurturing? Most Dominants will respond much more positively to the latter than the former.

On a very personal level, blind obedience is not something I find desirable in a submissive; others may. I like submissives who are – within the framework of respect and understanding – inquisitive, humorous, engaging in conversation, mischievous, playful and willing to push things at times. Occasionally taking it upon themselves to initiate a scene, for example, rather than placing the emphasis on everything squarely on the Dominant’s shoulders all the time simply because the submissive doesn’t want to “lose spontaneity” – how about the Dominant’s ability to enjoy something spontaneous once in a while? Again, “initiating a scene” does not mean taking charge – it simply means taking the responsibility for setting the ball rolling – such as through a playful act of “disobedience”, or by gently teasing the Dominant.

Desire and Care

The “good” submissive is perhaps most readily identified by two words: desire and care. They have a genuine desire to submit and have another to take control; by the same token, they care enough about the relationship to ensure it doesn’t become totally one-sided, with Give” and “receive” seen as a one-way flow of energy from Dominant to submissive, without any reciprocal dynamic.

Thus the “good” submissive is one willing to submit and accept the control of another in their life while also growing into someone who can intelligently fulfil the accepted desires and hopes of the Dominant to the satisfaction and enjoyment of both.

Further Reading

• The loving Dominant
• The nature of domination

Note: first published on: 11th September, 2008

The loving Dominant

There is more to being a Dominant than wearing a title, carrying a crop, giving orders or dressing the part. While all of the former might have a role to play in presenting oneself as a possible Dominant – of looking the part, so to speak – they have little to do with what actually defines a Dominant. This is something that by-and-large comes from within; like any skill, the basics can be learned, and the ability grown and nurtured through immersion in the scene and developed by spending time with those well-versed in the lifestyle. But just like any other skill or ability, how well one succeeds comes down to how willing and receptive one is to learning or being taught – and how well one’s talent and temperament are suited to taking on a Dominant role.

Within Second Life, it is doubly easy to slap on a title and swagger around a bondage or role-play sim barking orders, trying to subdue submissives and impress others – but even in the most uncomplicated of role-play scenarios, there is no substitute for understanding the nuances of domination and exhibiting the traits that define a “good” Dominant.

So, what are the characteristics that make up a “good” Dominant? What should someone unfamiliar with the scene and who wishes to move beyond “simple” role-play look for in others or seek to aspire?

Well – simply put, a good Dominant is someone who possesses the very qualities we would ascribe to a “good person”: kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. A good Dominant, like a “good person” has a strong sense of ethics and honesty and is respectful of others regardless of their position in life.

It is these qualities, more than anything else, that define a person’s character and personality, and are the essential skills that determine how good a person is liable to be in anything – be it their career, their home life – or “being” a Dominant.

As I mentioned above, that art of domination is very much a skill, and as such “good” Dominants tend to show a willingness to learn, to grow and to understand; they are on a journey as much as any submissive can be said to be on a journey. In real life, they often take the time to attend seminars and workshops, they have sought out their peers and perhaps those far more experienced than themselves. They have taken the time and effort to learn and grow; and there is no reason why SL should be any different; if one wants to gain the respect of peers and the approbation of subs, then one should take the time to understand D/s and BDSM within Second Life, and apply the qualities mentioned above throughout their dealings within the D/s community and Second Life as a whole.

Domiant, not domineering

There is one things a good Dominant is not - and that is domineering. Sadly, as is often the case in real life, there are those who mistake a domineering mien as a key element of being seen as a “Dominant”. Their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive. Where the Dominant will demonstrate respect, understanding and self-control the domineering individual will demand that they are given respect, will show a lack of understanding of basic D/s precepts and exhibit a lack of self-discipline, resorting to inappropriate actions and / or threats towards submissives.

A Dominant exercises control not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple expedient of showing they care. While a Dominant is both authoritarian and powerful, they are ever mindful of those around them, exercising care and consideration for their subs, as well as acting with respect for others regardless of whether they are Dominant or submissive.

As with rl, the good Dominant in SL takes responsibility for the submissive(s) in their life. Yes, the subs are controlled and dominated – but the Dominant remains at all times empathic towards them and sympathetic to their needs, in full understanding that for any submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by their empathy towards those in their care, being able to step back from their authority and become a loving dominant – providing the necessary care, love and confidence to their subs when such are needed as a result of external pressures in real life – or indeed, arising from pressures that can arise within Second Life itself.

Hailing frequencies open

D/s flows from the foundations of trust and communication – and a good Dominant is someone who can instil the former and actively encourages the latter. They will listen to their submissive(s) and learn about them and their needs / hopes / desires. How this knowledge is used, or returned to the relationships remains the prerogative of the Dominant; but if the communications are not there from start, then things are already starting to stray towards rocky ground. All relationships mature and change over time, and healthy D/s relationships are no different. Thus it is important that the channels of communication, once opened, are maintained and renewed throughout the relationship, so that any changes can be discussed and dealt with openly and without rancour or upset – and the responsibility for seeing this is the case lies with the Dominant.

In this, the Dominant should also be something of a diplomat, seeking to ensure such communications are open and honest – and also seeking to avoid unnecessary arguments and disagreements; instead working to arbitrate situations or prevent a disagreement from growing out-of-hand.

Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended – for it is to emotional harm that we are all most vulnerable within SL. What we see on our screens may be collections of energised pixels – but what is sitting behind them are real people with real feelings and emotional needs and vulnerabilities. Those who repeatedly strike at these vulnerabilities or who seek to exploit them are not good Dominants. They are abusers, pure and simple.

So given all of the above, can the “good” Dominant actually exist in SL? They not only can – they do. They have no need to trumpet their skills or abilities – these speak for themselves in terms of the popularity they enjoy among subs and other Dominants alike.

If you have not found your “good” Dominant yet, I hope the above will give you enough pointers to help you in your quest; and if you are a Dominant looking to improve your skills, then perhaps these notes may also help….or at least point you in the direction of those who can help by example. They’ll be easy enough to spot in-world, as they’ll be surrounded by loving subs.

Further Reading

The nature of Domination

The caring submissive

Note: first published on: 9th September, 2008

Interview

A while ago I was interviewed by Ozzie Maggs from Femdom magazine. At the time I was (still am), flattered that my opinion would be sought out. I was also under them impression that I was one of a number of people being interviewed to be mentioned in an article on Domination.

You can imagine my pleasure and surprise, then when the issue of Femdom came out, and I found the article was solely focused on myself. Ozzie herself was a very poised interviewer, willing to let me ramble a little while always gently steering the conversation in the right direction.

My thanks to both Ozzie and to Evangeline Eames, Femdom’s editor, for the interview and for considering me a worthwhile subject.

My Top Ten: Toys and equipment

My original top ten list of favourite equipment came out in December 2008. As the blog has been completely revamped, CS, a good friend, suggested I should update the list as well – so here it is!

10. The LockAll HUD by Amea Aya. An ingenious HUD that will seal / lock the wearer into whatever they are wearing  / have attached while under RLV – clothing, hair, attachments – all are locked (excluding other HUDS). A great little freebie!

09. The Dahlia Multi-Relay by Dahlia Orfan. We all have our own preferred RLV Relay. I’ve used many, including Think Kink’s and Satomi’s – and can recommend them. However, for sheer presentation and use, I use Dahlia’s.

08: The NS Force Sitter by Nano Siemens. A delightful tool for turning older B&D furnishings and items into fully RLV-capable units. I’m particularly fond of this device, as it comes as a copyable unit, and has saved me a small fortune in upgrading certain items in my inventory where the creator has not only denied an upgrade path other than re-purchase (which is perfectly within their rights) – but who has also doubled the cost of their RL-capable items (which is, to me, a little bit steep).

07: MSM. MSM offer a range of “traditional” restraint systems – police handcuff sets, rope sets, gags, blindfolds, etc., – all of which are competitively priced and incorporate RLV functions. They also produce a range of cells and prison systems suitable for home use and wider role-play. Particular favourites from MSM are the Real Restraint plug-in script sets that add additional features and options to Real Restraints, and the fiendish Cam Restriction HUD, which can be used to prevent the user camming away from their avatar.

06: Jewell Design by Jaquline Jewell. Creator of the incredibly devious RLV earring and the innocent-looking JJD Shower and JJD “closet”….both of which have wickedly kinky alternative uses. Jaqu has a very kinky view on the use of seemingly ordinary items for bondage purposes and is constantly coming up with ideas that appeal to my warped sense of perspective and fun…

05: Chorazin Creations. Chorazin Allen is well-known for his range of cages and cells, all of which are well-maintained and routinely updated. He is also the creator of a range of wicked scripted plug-ins for the Real Restraint range of restraints which further increase the lead RR items enjoy over their competitors.

04: Dominatech. Julia Banshee is the creator of the iControl system, which permits an incredible level of direct control to be exerted from one over another. For those genuinely into TPE within BDSM / D/s, this system is perhaps the ultimate representation of such a dynamic within SL. Gor those looking for a most usual trap  /cage system the Dominatech Subspace Anomaly might be worthwhile, providing a unique RLV-driven caging experience complete with a degree of communications interaction between captor and captive – even when separated by hundreds of metres. Beyond these, Julie offers a range of other bondage toys and devices that should delight all bondage enthusiasts.

03: SLiCK. Mika Feiri is relatively new to BDSM toy and equipment creation, but her Iso Hood has already raised the bar in terms of sheer wickedness and capabilities that can be built-into such a toy. Her other devices demonstrate equal ingenuity; as a fan of forniphilia, I like her barstools as well!

02: Restrained Freedom. While some of their early products were – to me at least – somewhat “clunky” in terms of look and styling, Katie and Hartie at RF have produced an ever more devious range of restraints. The RF Body Corset being a case-in-point; for sheer deviousness and ease-of-use, menu-wise, it is a joy – and completely addictive for both the Dominant and submissive in the degrees of helplessness that can be applied through it. Similarly, the RF armbinder is a well-designed and executed restaint, just being pipped at the post by the Real Restraints armbinder for me personally. Some of the RF toys are simply evil - or at least wicked. The punishment gag, for example, is something that couldn’t easily exist in the real world – and is certainly not something I’d inflict on a sub in rl; but in SL it has a strong appeal to that darker, crueler, harder side of me…

01: Marine’s Real Restraints. I first met Marine – through the delightful Ollalla Sugarbeet – when she was developing her first set of handcuffs waaay back in …. (mumbles as she feels suddenly old). Since that time, Marine has really set the standards by which other cuffs are to be judged. Her handcuffs, shackles, et all are equisitely detailed and work in delightful combinations. When first introduced, the Real Restaints range were the most innovative and exicting items to enter the SL BDSM community; that they are still at the forefront of BDSM gameplay here is testament to Marine’s scripting skill and crafting skills. With the addition of the Restrained Life system, Marine has done more than anyone else to bring the frisson that accompanies rl bondage into SL.

My Top Ten: Fetish fashion

The following it my updated list of top ten fetish fashion designers in SL, the original having been produced back in December 2008.

10: Elixir. Featuring catsuits, lingerie and looks suitable for fetish clubs and sci-fi role-play, Elixir offer something for just about everyone. Finishes vary depending on outfit, but most go for a high gloss look. My personal favourites are the Rockit suit – albeit it without the optional fins! – and the Revolutions suit, which mixes fetish with an urban chic look the works well in a variety of role-play environs – as well as making a great casual outfit.

09: KDC. The first catsuit I purchased in SL came from Kyrah, and while her range has not really been altered in the last two years, the quality of her texturing still puts her in my top ten list of favourites. I especially like combining her creations, all of which are deliberately geared towards a degree of layering. A particular and enduring favourite combo of mine is her black “Basic” catsuit (underwear layer), with a red “Tamora” catsuit (shirt and pants layer) topped-off with a black corset (jacket layer) – something of an SL representation of the kind of clothing I would wear to (and melt in!) various London fetish events when I was involved in that scene. For the subbies out there into ponyplay, Kyrah’s gear is still up there among the best.

08: SHi. A small but focused range of latex outfits that cover a range of styles and looks – all of them good to wear. Finished in high gloss, most of the outfits offer multiple layers. I’m particularly taken by the black outfits in the range – the red are just a tad too bight for me. SHi also produce a marvellous range of boots that come in a variety of styles – stiletto, ballet, ankle, leather, rubber – most using alpha masks to hide legs / feet, and all very well detailed and incredibly well-priced; I have a particularly affinity for their Black Latex boots and Leather Ballets.

07: LTX by Violet Studios. Another relatively new range of clothing for the latex lover, but one that errs towards unique in that it the outfits are all supplied with a range of additional goodies, including texture applicators for popular makes of prim breasts (Lola, Implant Nation and eCorp). The outfits are all currently two-tone, giving them a very striking look whether your opt for the fuller bust or not – and I have to admit that since discovering them, I have been oddly drawn to going somewhat bustier up top when wearing them – although my skin tone prevents me wearing all the items in their range, and while LTX / VS does carry a range of skins, I’m too attached to my LAQ look to swap away from it simply to be a little more, um, expansive, in the bust department.

06: Karu-Karu. Karu-Karu produces a range of catsuits and outfits that are ideal for the more budget-conscious. The finishes are far less glossy than the likes of, say PoC or Hugos, but like Jackie Graves, gives a feeling that their outfits are well-like favourites that have been frequently worn and polished. A lot of the designs carry a similar theme with straps and buckles, but this does detract from the range – with a little care, it is possible to create ensemble outfits, which adds to the value of the products. Some of the older designs do have a few minor issues with them – seam visibility, some finish problems, etc., but you actually have to be very eagle-eyed to spot them.

05: S6. Chill3, like Kai of PoC, produces an extensive range of latex outfits – tops, skirts, undies, catsuits, uniforms – all of which are beautifully crafted. Her Catalina Demon catsuit in particular is among my top favourite latex outfits. Her store – the Latex Station – is also pretty amazing in its own right. As I build myself, visits to her store are a joy in two ways: both for the clothing and to admire such an incredible build.

04: Powers of Creation. PoC offers an amazing and highly-collectible range of latex outfits and packs. In terms of look and style, it is impossible to fault them, while the texturing is universally superb. PoC also offers the widest choice of colours of any latex range in SL, and I’m always spoiled for choice when visiting – and the fact that the colours are consistent across the entire range means mix-n-match between outfits is a breeze. Indeed, Kai only fails to win a “join first” in my book because some of the textures are a little too perfect and tend to make the outfits look as if someone has liberally coated them with Black Beauty, Pjur, or Vivishine, making them a little too glossy.

04: KaS. Salid Sewell produces a small but prized range of fetishwear, including her outstanding sculpted RLV-lockable corset, the best sculpted “anatomical” hood in SL, a fiendish posture collar / neck corset and her brilliant ballet boots, which are beautifully-crafted and an absolute joy to size and wear. All of her items are RLV-compatible and include robust menu systems that make them both a joy to use – and wicked fun to use. When it comes to efficient scripted resizers, there are many content creators who could benefit from Salid’s lead.

03: Chey’s Saucy Outfits. A long-time favourite, Chey still sits in my top three designers for latex outfits – and deservedly so. Her range extends from undies / lingerie through to catsuits and uniforms and encompasses nylon, vinyl and latex. Throughout the entire range Chey has sought to develop some of the most realistic looking textures available in SL, complete with a fine level of detailing (zips, seams, buckles, clasps) that are entirely to scale for Avatars’ hands (rather than the all-too-frequent “oversized” detailing). Her two-tone or multi-coloured catsuits such as her “flame” catsuit are particular favourites as they very much mimic rl latex items that have been colour-etched.

02: Hugo Designs. The first time I did a “top 10″, Erik Hugo was just launching his brand in SL, and I hadn’t really found much to my personal liking. How times have changed! Hugo’s is now one of the most extensive fetish brands in SL and the name stands for quality. Producing everything from tattoo layer catsuits through to complex sets of outfits that combine multiple layers into a fetching final appearance – and specialising in designs that can be rapidly mixed and matched to produce marvellous and unique ensemble outfits, Erik have carved a tremendous and well-deserved reputation for himself.

01: Jackie Graves. Over the last couple of years Jackie Graves has established a reputation of style and quality that mark her as a leading SL fetish wear designer. Her style is instantly recognisable and while her range may not be as extensive as others – it is certainly one that crosses genres, touching as it does on couture fashion, role-play, science-fiction, spies and spying, film, and so on. The finish she frequently gives to her outfits sets her aside from other designers in that she doesn’t always go for the “shiny new” look, but imbues her work with something of a “lived in” look, given outfits an appearance of having been worn before, like well-loved favourites. Particularly favourites for me from her range are the Viper Catsuit, the Black and White (space-like) catsuit, her Prophecy and Enigma outfits (highly suited to both the Domme and the sub look), and her Hydra outfit – which again crosses into a sci-fi style of look. Overall, if you want a very definitive look to your fetish, Jackie Graves is likely to be right up your street.

Sensual D/s

D/s takes many forms. Within SL, it predominantly (no pun intended) revolves around BDSM. However, many forms of D/s have little or nothing to do with BDSM; one such example is one that has long involved me personally, although whether it effectively translates to SL is something I’m not sure about.

Sensual D/s is a far more genteel form of D/s. While SD/s (as it is now frequently referred to), can be said to form part and parcel of “maintstream” D/s relationships inasmuch as elements of it exists in any loving relationship – it can also exist entirely on its own; so much so that it is worthwhile defining SD/s in its own right.

But before I do so, I should point out that it is not a term I’ve coined out of thin air – that credit goes perhaps to Sir Tom, whose former (but sadly now apparently departed) web writings on the subject were regarded by many (including myself) as required reading.

In a nutshell, SD/s can be defined as a form of D/s that encompasses many of the “expected” elements of D/s – control, training, respect – while avoiding aspects such as physical punishment or the harsher implements of control and restraint.

SD/s can only grow out of a deep understanding between Dominant and submissive – what some call a “spiritual connection”. It very much encompasses a collaboration between the Dominant and submisive which – dare I say it, sees the submissive viewed as something of a “equal” to the Dominant in terms of “managing” the relationship.

As with more “tradional” D/s relationships, SD/s sees the submissive entrusting their being and self-identity into the care of the Dominant, while the Dominant guides and enlightens the latter in understanding (and accepting) their submissive nature. But it is also more than this – it is very much an empathic union between two people in which either one can identify and respond to the needs of the other on an instinctive, loving level that does not necessarily require verbal or other direct communication.

Such an understanding – connectedness – takes time to nurture and grow. It requires commitment from both parties that can only grow out from close contact. In this, it is perhaps akin to the feelings of union and “connectedness” we feel in the early blooming of a love affair, and which grows through courting and marriage, the ups and downs of life in all its many colours, which enable a couple to spend their lives in (relative, allowing for human nature) harmony down through the years.

At the same time, SD/s does not rely on physical punishment, not does it embrace the harsher forms of restraint. It is altogether more subtle and tactile. As Sir Tom states in his definition of sensual D/s:

“The very nature of the parties involved leans toward less intense forms of discipline. For the sensual sub, a few words conveying the disappointment of the Dominant in their behavior or conduct is enough to bring the desired change. The types of submissives who engage in this kind of relationship are usually highly sensitive to pleasing their Dominant. The knowledge that they have erred is often sufficient stimulus in itself to make a change for the better”

Similarly, while bondage may well form a part of sensual D/s play, it is far “gentler” – silks more than chains and cuffs; less stringent bondage positions; floggers used as implements of tease, not disicpline. Again, to borrow from Sir Tom and his website:

“Much can be accomplished by requiring the submissive to lie still with closed eyes as a deerskin flogger is drawn in feather-gentle motions along the outlines of the body. The anticipation factor is tremendous.”

Over the years, I’ve engaged in many, many aspects of D/s and BDSM. I openly admit to embracing fetish elements such as latex in rl & very much like the latex sub-culture that exists in SL as many of the items here appeal to that wilder, more bizarre part of my fantasies. I also very much enjoy tight restriction and seeing a sub tightly bound and helpless during BDSM play – although in truth I rather unusually came to bondage after discovering my fascination with latex.

BUT….while I do enjoy these from both sides of the “/” (i.e. as both a Dominant in control and as a submissive who has surrendered herself)…sensual D/s is perhaps what engages me the most in terms of outright pleasure as a Dominant. The use of my hands, my lips, the toys around me, the outfits I wear or have my sub wear, to arouse, tease, open, and control my sub engenders far greater feelings of excitement, fulfilment, satisfaction, pleasure and (dare I say it, as it brings me full circle) connection with my sub - than perhaps engaging in the “harder” aspects of D/s (or more correctly, BDSM) that tend to be the mainstay of D/s activities within Second Life.

Which again, is not to denegrate or negate these other aspectsod D/s – or BDSM itself – in anyway; physical punishment, heavy bondage and the like enacted through SL rp can be very satisfying for all concerned. But given that sensual D/s really does only grow out of a very deep understanding of one another, and does rely on more subtle methods of tactile contact which cannot easily be translated into on-screen animations but rely far more on the use of the written word with all its attendant “passivity” on the parts of those so engaged, I’m frequently left wondering if sensual D/s can really translate to SL?

Obviously, elements of it can…we all use words of tenderness in rp at times; we don’t always rely on strapping / being strapped into a tight hogtie… But taken as a whole – the development of desire, the use of tenderness and the nurturing of the fundamental “connectedness” required for sensual D/s to thrive; stacked as it is against the myriad of distractions (both on-screen and in rl) that can detract from our SL experience – is it a realistic expectation for such a relationship to be achievable and sustainable in SL? does it even enter people’s expectations?

SL is a visual medium – as such, the sight of an Avatar tightly trussed up, a ballgag silencing her or him, and a black-dressed Dominant towering over them is more imeediately stimulating than a long, possibly complicated piece of descriptive prose popping up on a screen. Avatars are limited in what they can do….yes, gentle carresses can be described, intimate touches, kisses, licks and nips can be worked into a text conversation; but when the two avatars involved are locked in the same pose minute by minute by minute….the mind can inevitably wander, and the play lose its intimacy….

And while beautifully descriptive prose can be used to try and describe moves, feelings, responses desires….it goes unaccompanied by the all important sense of touch. SD/s is tactile…it is “gentle”….it stimulates and arouses – and by the same manner – controls and brings forth the desired responses – through subtle, light, caring touch. And this really doesn’t translate well into SL, not with the aforementioned limitations of avatar, etc. Similarly, while a few toys in SL do allow a small degree of SD/s activity (floggers that can be “draped” over a sub’s shoulders, etc.), do these fully communcate the lustful desire that accompanies most SD/s activities?

My own experiences in trying to utilise SD/s techniques have been – to me – mixed. While the sub has responded, the questions of how deeply engaged she has been in the scene when such times are compared to harder-edged play (such as a whipping) have remained. Perhaps, in all truth, this concern is my own failing more than anything else. After all, the reality is that a whipping in SL is about as “tactile” as a “gentle carress” – although with a whipping you do get the visual element to help stimulate the mind along the right lines.

I’m curious to know other people’s thoughts on this. Have you tried SD/s in SL? How engaging have you found it…?

Do drop me a line.

Note: first published 6th November, 2008. 

SSC and RACK

There are two codes within rl BDSM & D/s that are regarded as two of the foundation stones of healthy scening. These are Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

Of the two, SSC is perhaps the more widely known. Essentially, SSC holds that any activity between adults is acceptable as long as it is regarded as safe, sane, and consensual to both parties involved. As such, it is perceived as a “test” to whether or not a particular activity is ethical.

However, SCC is somewhat flawed as it can be a subjective measure: what I find to be “safe” and “sane” you might regard as utterly dangerous and completely insane – regardless of what I or the person I am with believes; and if the person I am with is a novice, how can we be sure that they can be fully aware of what is involved and what the implications of a potential scene might be? Equally, if the Dominant is inexperienced, how can a submissive be absolutely sure that they know where any potential lines between acceptable and unacceptable treatment lay?

Obviously, communication and the observation of limits and Safewords should always be observed throughout any scene, but there is a risk within SSC that things might be taken for granted by the Dominant partner, and the submissive may feel under undue pressure to accede to Y in a scene because they agreed to X – and the two aren’t really that far removed from one another.

It is for reasons like these that RACK has grown in popularity within D/s communities, as it hold that a more objective approach to scening is taken. Risk Aware places an additional emphasis to discuss and explore what can / might occur within a scene or activity and determine where any dividing lines between mental comfort and discomfort might be reached, and where potential lines should be drawn; it provides for an atmosphere of Informed Consent to be given – particularly important when dealing with more inexperienced Dominants and submissives alike.

The “X” in the Corner

Within SL, some might argue that both SSC and RACK are redundant; after all, no-one is really at risk here; we have plenty of “outs” if things get uncomfortable from simply walking away from a scene through to Tping out and up to the ultimate of hitting the “X” in to the right corner of the Viewer window and logging off. For the same reasons, no-one can really be forced into doing something BDSM-wise (or any other wise) they don’t want to do.

All true – but irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if people “cannot” be “forced” into something in SL;  the fact is that very real emotional involvement are responses can and often are involved in in-world scenes. Like any other activity in Second Life, D/s and BDSM can, and do, involve people’s feelings. Just because people have the aforementioned outs, doesn’t mean SSC (or more particularly RACK) don’t have a part to play in SL BDSM.

Through the proper application of RACK, misunderstandings between Dom/mes and subs in open play can be avoided. Yes, some “spontaneity” may be lost – but there is far more to be gained if time is taken to ensure the implications of a given type of play are clearly understood.

The more responsible BDSM play areas in SL have taken this on-board. Notecard givers ensure visitors receive a full explanation of what they can expect to find and see within the sim / parcel they are visiting. Rules are clearly laid out.

But this does not absolve Dom/mes who visit these places from the responsibility of ensuring the subs they find / take have actually a) read the aforementioned Notecard; b) really do understand the implication of the specific rp being entered into.

And yes, I appreciate the above may sound like a directive from the Department Of The Bleeding Obvious – but the fact is, RACK and SSC frequently get overlooked in SL in the headlong rush for vicarious fulfilment. As a result, people do get hurt; and the only way to prevent such hurt occurring (however unintended) is for Dom/mes to take the responsibility to ensure the sub(s) they are scening with understand the possible risks (in terms of personal taboos being crossed, etc.), involved in the play.

Understanding

Another important aspect in engaging in initial discussions around RACK or SSC with a new partner is understanding what you are both seeking from a potential scene: is it “just play”, or something potentially deeper or which might lead to something more lasting? No everyone visiting a BDSM role-play sim is there just for “fun”; similarly, not everyone exploring D/s and BDSM in SL is investigating the lifestyle – they may be there for “simple” sexual kicks. Discussion helps to reveal things that might in turn help shape how a scene plays out.

A further aspect of observing RACK and SSC in D/s and BDSM in Second Life is that there are many looking in on the broad D/s BDSM community with an attitude that any form of D/s is “wrong” -that it is, for example, akin to assault. While such people cannot be dissuaded from their misplaced views and ideas, the clear, demonstrable use of precepts such as SSC and especially RACK can help diffuse the hostile sentiments such individuals frequently express towards the SL D/s community as a whole.

For those seeking a deeper relationship in SL D/s, RACK helps lay the other foundations that are intrinsic of any relationship – honesty, communication, trust and respect. As such, it doesn’t matter that the world in which we-re operating is virutal – the rules remain the same, as do the potential results.

Note: first published on 24th April, 2008.